In the Night
by horizontal-writing
Summary: A ficlet: What keeps Aubrey up at night?


It was always the nights that were the worst. The seemingly never-ending silence that seemed to stretch into a dark abyss, filling her with everything that was the opposite to hope and love and just the feeling of being whole.

When Stacie was around, during the daytime, she could try to convince herself that there was no one else, no competition from the many men vying for the brunette's attention. She could pretend that when Stacie smiled at her, really smiled at her, it was because of the feeling of overwhelming adoration and not the fact that they had been left alone for more than ten minutes and could use that time to their advantage.

Aubrey has been alone before, although sometimes she struggled to piece together times when she had felt just like this while being alone. The feeling that Stacie, at this very moment, was lying in a different bed, in a different dorm, in a different part of the campus, probably next to a man she was pretending to enjoy. It felt like a form of torture, the constant churning of her stomach and the never-stopping whirring in her brain, as if everything had been taken over with complete silence and unbearable screaming at the same time. Everything was closing in on her, her mind didn't even feel as if it belonged to her anymore, her soul felt foreign and detached, as if it had a new owner - which, she supposed, it did.

Stacie had taken over everything that she was. Everything that she had associated with herself, with being Aubrey, was now tainted with dark hair and a wide smile and perfume that brought tears to Aubrey's eyes even thinking about.

They had never been friends, it had never really occurred to either of them to strike up a conversation with the other to find a common interest. They shared hurried conversations about the weather, or an explanation for turning up late to rehearsals with a small grin and a roll of the eyes.

Then, all of a sudden, it went from acquaintances to too much wine at the birthday party of one of the Bellas, eyes catching, slightly blinded by the strobe lighting in whatever dark club it had been such a great idea to move to. More drinks and the gap between them grew closer. They stopped pretending to talk to other people, always standing facing one another, eyes tracing every feature of the other's face, glinting, heads slightly rolling with the time of the pounding music, or the pounding feeling of the alcohol in their brains, one or the other.

"Hey! I've barely seen you all night!" shouted above the music, obviously a lie but neither willing to admit it. Space grew closer, meaningless conversation elicited laughter that was too loud, and too forced and the grip of Stacie's hand on Aubrey's wrist was slightly too tight and not tight enough, and she was occupying too much of Aubrey's personal space and then not enough. The mildly well-lit club turned to a not so well lit club as Aubrey could feel herself being dragged through the crowd, away from the group they had come here with. The music seemed to grow louder but Aubrey couldn't tell if it was just the pounding in her head or the pounding of her pulse in the palm that was pressed so close to Stacie's, fingers tightly intertwined as they pushed through the writhing people, to a corner that Aubrey hadn't even noticed.

Stacie turned, and their eyes caught again. It had felt like a magnet, like some inevitable moment that couldn't have been stopped. They were each a half of a puzzle and being so close in proximity seemed to draw the two halves into one complete piece.

Lips were on lips, rushed hands ran through hair, one hand setting on a waist, another settling on the small of a back. There was pushing and pulling, teeth caught in a frenzied, built-up mess and the heaving of their chests and the need for air forced them to pull back, a dazed look on their faces.

It had always been an unspoken rule, this was private. It wasn't information to be shared with anyone, it was something that was theirs. To Aubrey it had always felt that it was the most natural thing she had ever done, and it amazed her that two people could both feel this unmistakable pull towards each other, which always seemed to end in frantic kisses and fumbles behind locked doors.

It wasn't so magical when Aubrey saw him though, smirking one day as he left Stacie's dorm room. Standing in the doorway, she paused, her eyes scanning over Stacie's flushed cheeks and messed hair as the brunette stared into her mirror, her lips moving so quickly it looked as though she was simply reciting lines, going over the words in whatever chorus of whatever song she was having difficulty remembering this week. Aubrey strained her ears slightly, trying to remain unnoticed, Stacie's hushed words becoming louder and more familiar as she became more focused on repeating them over and over. It was only after Aubrey turned away and was walking back to her own part of campus, that it dawned on her how familiar those words actually were. Stacie had been reciting exactly the words Aubrey now whispers to herself until she falls asleep, a prayer, a plea for strength, for knowledge on how to go on when faced with what seems an unbearable situation to carry on with.

What tortures Aubrey at night though, the sight of Stacie saying a prayer she said she never believed in, asking a God she wasn't sure was actually there, pleading for a sign on how to choose, how to live a life in which she would be happy, where there would be no choice, asking for strength to make a decision. It was a question that filled Aubrey's entire being with a sharp, painful and unbearable feeling of someone clawing away at her insides, as though she was being turned inside out, her chest nothing but a hollow cave for something that didn't belong to her anything. The question that kept her awake night after night, wrapping her sheets around her, trying to pretend that she wasn't alone, was, what choice was it that Stacie needed strength to help her make? The very thought of an answer to that question made Aubrey feel as though she was falling down a dark, black hole, and the only way to save herself was to hold out her arms in front of her to stop the blow. But right now, she couldn't even think of a reason to want to.


End file.
